Orlando blows. And so does League Pass

This just in folks. Chandler Colfax has switched coasts. I've gone east, trading in mudslides and wildfires and earthquakes for hurricanes and alligators and, sadly, Floridians. Anyway, no longer in Laker land I found myself able to actually attend a basketball game for a change. The tickets were a courtesy, complements of admirers. I like the Orlando arena. It looks like something a small college in Oregon might play in. It has an intimacy, like the Great Western Forum, an arena that's missed. The Magic are better than they play. On paper, I mean. They could be good. They just need someone to tell Steve Francis to share the wealth. He takes spectacular shots falling out of bounds from behind the backboard. He does it a lot. It's like some sort of trick. The first two times it worked. Then it never worked again, but not from lack of trying. It's a cool shot, granted, but the angle, which is on the other side of the glass, is just not a high percentage one.

Then there's Dwight Howard; a player so tall you can't help but see how ignored he is, with his hand up in the air and the defender on his back, and nobody throwing him the ball. It's reminiscent of Shaq calling for the ball and Kobe taking threes from half-court. The Memphis Grizzlies are a much better team, with no standout talent. They sort of remind me of the old Jack Sikma Milwaukee Bucks. Good. No embarrassment by far. But about as much fun to watch as Ted Koppel talk about his bowling ball collection, should he have such a thing.

To better follow my teams, as I am split down the middle between the Lakers and Heat, I ordered NBA League Pass. They've been promoting it like crazy lately. It didn't really interest me, listening to Bill Walton wax on about whatever they wrote for him to say on the cue cards. But then they had a free preview weekend and I was hooked. This was perfect, I thought. I could watch every Heat game and every Laker game! I called the cable company and they assured me that by ordering League Pass I "would get every game that's broadcast." Hmmm. As I sit here writing this, I can tell you that's not true. The Heat is playing on NBA TV, and I can't see it. Apparently, it's part of a different package. That's how the cable company screws you is with the packages. They know they can't just let us have the channels we want. Some channels would go right out of business if they did that. When I brought it up to the cable operator that there must be some mistake, that surely I got NBA TV since I got NBA League Pass, they didn't seem bothered by the miscommunication. That someone had told me something untrue. There was no remorse. I would call and cancel, just out of spite, if I thought I would get anyone in trouble but myself. The truth is League Pass is a great thing, totally worth the money. But they should give you NBA TV as well, for crying out loud. I'm not going to pay an additional two dollars for twenty seven channels of bullshit and one channel I want. I already - this is both crazy and true - have over a thousand channels to sift through. Which is too much and annoying. I get tired of channel surfing. I don't even get half way through the thirty seven showtimes I have before I turn the thing off.

Anyway, I must apologize. Chandler Colfax has no access to tonight's Heat game. And that blows.


Chandler Colfax - over and out.